Wonderings

I wonder sometimes about the damage we do to our children without realizing it. How our own expectations and disappointments take hold of the decisions we make when it comes to raising our children, and how those weigh on them or lift them up. I read a book recently that made me question this, and look at myself more honestly.

I have found that overall, parenting is a very selfless venture. From the moment you conceive, as a mom, you share your body, your food, your day, your shower time, your private time, your bed....with your child. In fact, I would go so far as to say that my body became not my body from the moment I conceived my oldest daughter, and it has never quite been "mine" from that point on.

Sprinkled in between all of the moments of complete selflessness there are certainly times of rebellion. Many times in the last fourteen years I have made decisions that fought this handover- spending money carelessly, deciding to go out with friends more often, working just so that I could be out of the house, etc. These choices often have left me questioning my path, the path of our family unit. Sometimes, I feel bitter. Angry even. And my rebellion internalizes into something dangerous and unhealthy. Fear. Unkind words. Regret. The list of adjectives here is endless.

I often forget to factor in my own space to realize the important things on my to-do's once we move into having children. We become so engrossed in succeeding, being perfect parents, handing over our identities to motherhood, or fatherhood. When we do this, it is hard to hold onto perspective. Losing yourself along the way does not make for a healthy dynamic in parenting.

Though it is difficult, I am making an effort to take that back. To be me, to hold fast to the elements of self that feed my soul, allow for growth. And to remind myself in the process that my children, all four of them, are individuals who need to learn that same thing. Their SELF is important. Their sense of who they are, what they love, what matters. Remembering me allows me to let them BE. Not that I can completely remove the expectations that come from my own experiences, but that I can allow them to meet expectations on their own path.

Things that make you go hmmmm.....

It is cold in Saratoga Springs right now. Seriously. For the past several days it has been highs in the low teens, lows in the you-don't-even-want-to-knows.....and I haven't moved into complete hibernation mode. This surprises me a little bit. For instance, instead of crawling under a blanket wearing fifteen layers of clothing, I have taken the kids to school each morning we have had such frigid temps....I have gone to the grocery store. I have attended meetings. So. I guess that means that I am adjusting. WOW!

We have been here now for a tad shy of one and one half years. I still find myself missing the things that are amazing about Austin; the FOOD, the grocery stores, the FOOD, the community, the music scene....the PEOPLE. I still miss the people most of all. But I don't want that part to go away. I'm working on the food, both by making my own texmex and begging friends to send me fresh tortillas(I take shipments at your convenience!) and I think I have introduced myself to all of the Texans that have come this way.......

But Saratoga is good. It has its annoyances, of course (Republican town in NY? WTF?) But overall, there is opportunity here to experience life in smaller ways than we did in Austin. The town is smaller. The variety is lesser. The grocery stores....um.... never-mind.....but the people are mostly good. The small town America feeling of the downtown is really charming and quaint. And in the summer, I think Saratoga might even be more cosmopolitan than Austin. Surprise! The horse races bring in the creme de la creme from all over the US and other countries....lots of fancy cars and fancy people and so on and so forth. But with that comes the variety in people, opinions and cultures that I so valued in Austin.

We are finding our way. We are making new friends. But we remember how important it is to keep the old. Some are silver, and the others gold.

J