This move has been emotionally taxing for all of us, and I am no exception. I have felt the need to be stoic for the sake of the kids, and also, Kevin. The kids have struggled to find friends, to move forward, to release the anxieties that come with a cross country move. Kevin has felt pressure to find us all a place of happiness, to feel like his desire for a career change didn't disrupt us in a permanent way. He is scared he ruined our lives. (He hasn't).
Today, though, is a cleansing day. A cry out loud, sob uncontrollably, be sad day. It's also the first time I have gone to the gym since arriving (correlation?). Today I just want to say, I have decided that it feels so much better to let it out and release all the pent up everything than to hold it in. I have given myself permission to show weakness. To listen to music and scream the words. To tear up at every fond memory I can conjure. And it doesn't feel weak. It feels good. It sucks. But I am grateful for the emotion.
So. until the kids get home today, I will be listening to Patty Griffin, crying periodically, and cleaning compulsively. I will thank God and my husband for giving me the opportunity to experience the full range of emotions. And also for the chance to do something new, different, and learn how to find my way.
