I have found myself at a point in parenting/life where I feel uncertain of the future. While the kids are still at a point where I am needed and important, they are also gaining independence every day, and in some ways, so am I. This is at once liberating and terrifying. I have been faced with the possibility of finding my own path, really for the first time in almost fourteen years.
Prior to having children, I was a child myself. I was 23, somewhat fresh out of school, and not in a "career". In the first year Kevin and I were living together and prepping for marriage - our first year out of school - I was doing jobs that I knew were not my calling, in an effort to have the freedom to plan a wedding, etc. Post wedding? I thought that once we had been in our new state for a year, I would go back to school. But instead, in the first year of our marriage, we welcomed our first, beautiful daughter.
As an adult who is now nearing forty years of life, I am struggling to find the confidence to continue a separate path, while maintaining my family. I feel old, under qualified, looked down upon. While many of the things I feel are probably not echoed in the beliefs of those around me, those feelings are still complex to overcome.
I made the choice to attempt to buoy myself. I have put three words on my mirror, to recite and ingest each time I happen to look up - Kindness, Engage, Believe. My hope is that I will remember that the first, most important thing, is kindness - to my husband, my children, perfect strangers, and most importantly right now, kindness to myself. Engage, because when I feel overwhelmed by the process of embracing this change, my tendency leans more towards hiding away than engaging in the day to day. And Believe? Well. I don't think that requires an explanation.
Finding our way through relocation and life
Tuesday, November 10, 2015
Wonderings
I wonder sometimes about the damage we do to our children without realizing it. How our own expectations and disappointments take hold of the decisions we make when it comes to raising our children, and how those weigh on them or lift them up. I read a book recently that made me question this, and look at myself more honestly.
I have found that overall, parenting is a very selfless venture. From the moment you conceive, as a mom, you share your body, your food, your day, your shower time, your private time, your bed....with your child. In fact, I would go so far as to say that my body became not my body from the moment I conceived my oldest daughter, and it has never quite been "mine" from that point on.
Sprinkled in between all of the moments of complete selflessness there are certainly times of rebellion. Many times in the last fourteen years I have made decisions that fought this handover- spending money carelessly, deciding to go out with friends more often, working just so that I could be out of the house, etc. These choices often have left me questioning my path, the path of our family unit. Sometimes, I feel bitter. Angry even. And my rebellion internalizes into something dangerous and unhealthy. Fear. Unkind words. Regret. The list of adjectives here is endless.
I often forget to factor in my own space to realize the important things on my to-do's once we move into having children. We become so engrossed in succeeding, being perfect parents, handing over our identities to motherhood, or fatherhood. When we do this, it is hard to hold onto perspective. Losing yourself along the way does not make for a healthy dynamic in parenting.
Though it is difficult, I am making an effort to take that back. To be me, to hold fast to the elements of self that feed my soul, allow for growth. And to remind myself in the process that my children, all four of them, are individuals who need to learn that same thing. Their SELF is important. Their sense of who they are, what they love, what matters. Remembering me allows me to let them BE. Not that I can completely remove the expectations that come from my own experiences, but that I can allow them to meet expectations on their own path.
I have found that overall, parenting is a very selfless venture. From the moment you conceive, as a mom, you share your body, your food, your day, your shower time, your private time, your bed....with your child. In fact, I would go so far as to say that my body became not my body from the moment I conceived my oldest daughter, and it has never quite been "mine" from that point on.
Sprinkled in between all of the moments of complete selflessness there are certainly times of rebellion. Many times in the last fourteen years I have made decisions that fought this handover- spending money carelessly, deciding to go out with friends more often, working just so that I could be out of the house, etc. These choices often have left me questioning my path, the path of our family unit. Sometimes, I feel bitter. Angry even. And my rebellion internalizes into something dangerous and unhealthy. Fear. Unkind words. Regret. The list of adjectives here is endless.
I often forget to factor in my own space to realize the important things on my to-do's once we move into having children. We become so engrossed in succeeding, being perfect parents, handing over our identities to motherhood, or fatherhood. When we do this, it is hard to hold onto perspective. Losing yourself along the way does not make for a healthy dynamic in parenting.
Though it is difficult, I am making an effort to take that back. To be me, to hold fast to the elements of self that feed my soul, allow for growth. And to remind myself in the process that my children, all four of them, are individuals who need to learn that same thing. Their SELF is important. Their sense of who they are, what they love, what matters. Remembering me allows me to let them BE. Not that I can completely remove the expectations that come from my own experiences, but that I can allow them to meet expectations on their own path.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)