Wonderings

I wonder sometimes about the damage we do to our children without realizing it. How our own expectations and disappointments take hold of the decisions we make when it comes to raising our children, and how those weigh on them or lift them up. I read a book recently that made me question this, and look at myself more honestly.

I have found that overall, parenting is a very selfless venture. From the moment you conceive, as a mom, you share your body, your food, your day, your shower time, your private time, your bed....with your child. In fact, I would go so far as to say that my body became not my body from the moment I conceived my oldest daughter, and it has never quite been "mine" from that point on.

Sprinkled in between all of the moments of complete selflessness there are certainly times of rebellion. Many times in the last fourteen years I have made decisions that fought this handover- spending money carelessly, deciding to go out with friends more often, working just so that I could be out of the house, etc. These choices often have left me questioning my path, the path of our family unit. Sometimes, I feel bitter. Angry even. And my rebellion internalizes into something dangerous and unhealthy. Fear. Unkind words. Regret. The list of adjectives here is endless.

I often forget to factor in my own space to realize the important things on my to-do's once we move into having children. We become so engrossed in succeeding, being perfect parents, handing over our identities to motherhood, or fatherhood. When we do this, it is hard to hold onto perspective. Losing yourself along the way does not make for a healthy dynamic in parenting.

Though it is difficult, I am making an effort to take that back. To be me, to hold fast to the elements of self that feed my soul, allow for growth. And to remind myself in the process that my children, all four of them, are individuals who need to learn that same thing. Their SELF is important. Their sense of who they are, what they love, what matters. Remembering me allows me to let them BE. Not that I can completely remove the expectations that come from my own experiences, but that I can allow them to meet expectations on their own path.